On allyship
Like many people in tech recently, I've been watching the stories around Grace Hopper Conf unfold. Although I didn't attend myself (too much travel for one year already!), I watched some of the live streams in addition to following peoples' thoughts and reactions on the Twitters, and it's been on my mind a lot the past couple days. There is a good writeup of the "Male Allies" panel here, and the statements by Microsoft's CEO during a different talk here, which I'd highly recommend reading if you haven't already. Cate Huston also wrote a couple very good posts here and here. And now, I just want to add my two cents (or rather, get it out of my head, because having two pennies jangling around your skull gets annoying or whatever).
What were my problems with the panel? First, I thought the audience was wrong. Telling a conference of almost all women about being a male ally? Not incredibly helpful. You know who needs to hear about being a male ally? MEN. If this exact panel were held at a conference where the audience was mostly male instead, it would have at least been speaking to people who could benefit from it. I'm not saying that being a woman automatically makes you an ally (which is an ongoing process, not a badge you earn and call it done), but women in tech know the experience of being a woman in tech. They don't need it mansplained to them.
Secondly, the people on the panel felt problematic. Having GoDaddy there especially was laughable. You know how they say that actions speak louder than words? Having men whose personal and company actions show a track record of being allies would ring a lot more true. Having women up there, talking about their lived experiences FOR THEMSELVES, telling men what actions they would like to see, would be even better.Here's a few actions that I'd like to see from male allies, personally.
Stop talking and listen. If a conference or journalist or someone asks you to talk about something related to women in tech, recommend that they talk to one of your female colleagues instead. (To his credit, Alan Eustace did reverse the panel and listen later on. Maybe next time they can try listening first.)
Believe women when we talk about these kinds of things. Not only are there some forms of harassment that happen far less when other men are around (the reason the "fake boyfriend" excuse works so well), but microaggressions are easy to overlook when they aren't directed at you.
Ask your female colleagues what actions they would find most helpful and supportive. I've had a few men say to me, "I've been told to call out bad behavior when I see it, but I've also been told to not talk over women. How do I balance those two things?" There's a lot of good that can be done from calling out bad behavior, because men - you have a superpower, and it's called Other Men Listen To You. Maybe one of your colleagues would like you to say in a meeting, "Hey, you interrupted Alice," or, "Yeah, that's a good idea, and it was also a good idea when Sue said it 10 minutes ago," or something to that effect. Maybe they wouldn't like that and would rather say something themselves. A good way to figure out what to do is to talk to the women you work with about this. Ask, "Hey, I noticed that Bob kept interrupting you today. Would you find it helpful if I said something to him?" Don't assume you know what's the best thing to do, but start having these kinds of conversations and really LISTEN to the answers you get.
Managers: If you notice one of your reports taking credit for women's ideas, interrupting them or talking over them in meetings, or making sexist/racist/homophobic/transphobic remarks, say something to them. Maybe at a 1-on-1 instead of in public, but bring it up. It's your responsibility to grow your employees, and that means more than just making sure their coding chops are up to snuff.
People who make salary decisions: Be transparent about salaries. Are the women in your division making less than the men at the same level? If you have the power to fix that, do it.
And on that note, can I just say how fucking laughable it is to say that "the system will give you the right raise"? If "the system" were going to do right by women in terms of salaries, there wouldn't be a 22% pay gap. (And that's just for white women.) The system has shown that women will be systemically underpaid time and time again. If I had never asked for a raise, "the system" would have had me continue making 50% of what I do now. The system is rigged against us and should probably be burned to the ground. (Microsoft's CEO Satya Nadella did end up addressing this statement later, but it still boggles my mind that he said it in the first place.)
You know what's cool, though? Male allies who really act like allies. Who regularly ask the people from underrepresented group they work with what they think about the issues that affect them, and actually listen to the answers. This week one of my male colleagues started a dialogue about Etsy's use of the word "craftsman", because we have an awesome Feminism in Tech mailing list where all sorts of discussions like that happen. Many men I work with have been talking publicly on Twitter about their support of Kathy Sierra, their support of women in tech, and retweeting all sorts of women to amplify those voices over their own. And none of them go around telling people what great allies they are - even with all that they do, they still worry that they're not doing enough or that they're talking too much. These men are allies. These are men that I'd trust to stand by me if (sadly, when) I inevitably get caught up in some of the drama that comes with being a not-dude on the internet. It warms my heart.